Friday, November 21, 2014

Why?... Why Not?... And Other Questions...

Look! I'm still here! Here's a picture to prove it:

Yes, I know. Not a very flattering picture. 

I had a migraine that had just receded enough to go out in public.

I had just been for a consult with a new stylist/hairdresser/individual of scissorly skills. My hair had been left to its own devices, as I wanted demonstrate what my hair actually does, rather than what my hair can be made to do. (I think we have a plan. Appointment in a week. We'll see if it's a plan I can actually enact. My sister inherited all the hairstyling genes in our family. I, on the other hand, can almost always figure out which end of the brush to use.)

The picture was taken up close, with an iPad, under questionable lighting in the front shop of a local optometry practice. There were other customers around. I was feeling rather self conscious. (I stopped there on my way home from my hair appointment, in spite of the headache, because the stylist was wearing really cool glasses that she had purchased there. And because a co-worker also got great frames there. And because I really, really need to replace my current glasses.)

Strange how I feel the need to justify/explain/make excuses for my appearance. Do we all do that? Do men do that?

Why am I sharing this? Probably because I cringe every time I see this picture. My instinct is to rip it to shreds, or at least delete it and try to forget it. Which is ridiculous. This is my face. Or at least a digital reproduction of my face. I should love my face. Shouldn't I? Or would that be vain?

Of course, one could perceive vanity in sharing one's face on the internet. Why am I sharing it? I know I'm not looking for approval, or reassurance or compliments. You're going to have to take my word on that one.

So why am I posting it? To torture myself? Because I don't want to, and I'm contrary by nature? Because it scares me and I'm tired of letting my fears hold me back? 

Maybe because each time I see it I cringe a little less. I find a little bit more to like. I'm a wee bit gentler with myself. I judge a bit less harshly.  And maybe if I can do that for myself, I can expand the skill and extend it to the world.

Though maybe I should be asking why not?

It's only a picture for crying out loud.

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